anonymous

The Westboro Baptist Church announced that it was going to picket the funerals of Sandy Hook Elementary shooting victims. Not only does this make my skin crawl, but the very thought of their twisted hatred coming within miles of the families who lost innocent, sweet and pure children to a brutal and heinous crime makes me physically ill. Their corrupt and disgusting nature is disturbing, even more so that they call themselves Christians, and I can't fathom the thought of them being allowed to protest these deaths. (Side note: The more I think about the them, the more sad I am for them. How did they let themselves become so misled that they could even begin to think that what they were doing was right, let alone God's work? It's a tragedy...)

In walks the group Anonymous. If you don't know who they are, check them out here. I'm not saying that I agree with everything that they've done or are doing, however.... when I found out about their declared war against the Westboro Baptist Church, I couldn't help but smile a tiny bit. So far, they've hacked their website and posted all the personal information about all their members. They've also been strongly petitioning the US to formally recognize the church as a hate group and have all the required signatures for a response from the White House. And it's only been two days. I wonder how far it's going to go...

Here's a clip from the video if you don't feel like listening to the whole thing.

"Since your one-dimensional thought protocol will conform not to any modern logic, we will not debate, argue, or attempt to reason with you. Instead, we have unanimously deemed your organization to be harmful to the population of The United States of America, and have therefore decided to execute an agenda of action which will progressively dismantle your institution of deceitful pretext and extreme bias, and cease when your zealotry runs dry. We recognize you as serious opponents, and do not expect our campaign to terminate in a short period of time. Attrition is our weapon, and we will waste no time, money, effort, and enjoyment, in tearing your resolve into pieces, as with exposing the incongruity of your distorted faith...We will not allow you to corrupt the minds of America with your seeds of hatred. We will not allow you to inspire aggression to the social factions which you deem inferior. We will render you obsolete. We will destroy you. We are coming."

Intense? I'd be scared.

making up

I feel like the last post was kind of mean. I try really hard to not photographer bash, a lot of people do it in my world and it makes me sad. Everyone likes their own thing and everyone is at a different level. So forgive me for photo bashing in that last post... I will now make it up by posting 3 positive things. (Which is kind of my rule, every negative thing said results in 3 positive follow ups)

#1- Watch this clip, it'll make you laugh. My favorite guy is the one who sells both kidneys, ha!



#2- My renters just brought me warm cookies. How wonderful is that? I have no idea what kind of cookies they are, all I know is that they are divine. Wow.

#3- And lastly, here is a quote that I really like...

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
-James Keller

personal opinion

In my own personal opinion (not to offend anyone's work or anything like that)...
I think adding excessive amounts of photoshopped dust onto a photo to make it look like film is kind of ridiculous... especially when it's the same dust in every photo and you can tell just by looking at the dust pattern.
I could maybe understand a little dust.... but this much? And all over? And so clearly digital?
I don't get it.
Again, just a personal opinion :)

thoughts

#1- My car has reached a whole new level of low.
I drove home from family dinner last night, parked my car in my carport and went to lock my door only to find that the lock was gone.... there is now a hole in my car door and I can only unlock from my passenger side, ha!
Congratulations Angelina, you are really earning the title of toy car.

#2- There have been many times in my life when I've been grateful that I can hold my tongue. Other times, I'm not so grateful because it would be great if I could say something witty and clever. But I think I'd rather be silent than say something that I'd later regret.

#3- Sometimes I feel like a barnacle when it comes to relationships. It's really quite the nuisance. I would love to be independent and unaffected by being single and alone... but I'm not. I'm currently rolling my eyes at myself and my inner 15 year old girl.

#4- I love nice people. People who are genuinely concerned about your well being and try to make sure that they are loving and kind to you. I try to be that person, I'm usually unsuccessful but at least I try.

#5- Lastly, I'm in the middle of finals right now. Yee-haw. Here are some photos from my final for my sports photography class... Alexia is an incredibly talented dancer, she blows my mind.

Happy Monday everyone :)

blessed

I am incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents. Words can't describe how much they mean to me.

living

I have a very long bucket list. And everyday I get older, I realize more and more that there aren't enough hours in the day or a lifetime to do everything that I want to do... it depresses me at times. I want to do it all and it's sad knowing that it's not possible.
Want to know a portion of my bucket list?

- I want to learn to sing.
- I want to learn to dance.
- I want to learn to...
          play the cello.
          play the piano.
          play the guitar.
- I want to be brilliant at graphic design.
- I want to be a moving writer.
- I want to...
          travel the world with film cameras and meet people from different cultures.
          be an incredible rock climber and climb amazing mountains.
          learn to swim.
          compete in an Iron Man contest and perform well.
          be an incredible fine art photographer that exhibits in well known galleries.
          master every historic process in photography.
          get my MFA in photography and teach at a university.
          learn how to weave.
          learn how to make lace.
          learn how to beatbox.
- I want to read every classic book and every book that has ever interested me.
- I want to learn calligraphy and letterpress and do both well.
- I want to make enough money that I can...
          own a home that is used as a safe haven to let battered women to take shelter.
          aid an organization in educating the public on the importance of spay and neutering their animals                   and provide those services for free.
          leave $100 tips for waiters/waitresses that are especially sweet to me or look like they need it.
          leave money in vending machines for people to stumble upon.
          give anonymous equipment donations to photography students in need.

- I want to raise a family....

If I had to pick one thing, I would obviously choose the last one.
Have you ever heard the joke that when a couple gets married, the "baby switch" turns on for the wife? It was very much true for me. Except I got divorced and that switch never turned off. I would love for a family more than anything but I have no opportunity for that anymore (or at least hopefully just right now). I guess I'll just have to wait and see where my life goes. Patience you say? Psh. Ya right. There's no time for patience ;)

“It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…. Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” -Teddy Roosevelt


“Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may still exist but you have ceased to live.” — Henry David Thoreau

tintype

This is a tintype of me. Awesomely cool? Why of course!

nature

Trees, mountains, rivers....
It's all sacred to me.

"Nature is too thin a screen; the glory of the omnipresent God bursts through everywhere."
             -Ralph Waldo Emerson

dead

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
Especially people in the news who have died from unfortunate accidents, horrific crimes or sad acts of suicide.
I feel that the majority of the time the person who died was "beloved", "adored", "nice and liked by everyone", "always happy" and "their smile would brighten anyones day". I've noticed that when people in my life have died, all of sudden they were everyone's best friend. They were the "nicest person in school" and "made everyone feel like they had a friend".
Now, please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I'm not doubting that these claims are true. What I'm trying to say is... if that's how people really felt about the individual who passed, did they actually express it while the person was alive? If you were to talk to the deceased person, would they agree with everything that was said about them? Especially when it came to close friendships?
I remember when Michael Whittle died my senior year. It was horrible and heartbreaking that it had happened. But what bothered me was when I heard people claiming to be such good friends... even best friends... with him when I had never before seen them with Michael. I'd never seen them hang out with him in school, talk to him in the hallways, mention him in class. Nothing. And yet here they were, claiming to be his best friend.

I'm not trying to call out hypocrisy (even though the insincere who use the passing of another as means to gain attention is on the top of my list of how to be a horrible human being), all that I'm saying is that if you love someone, if you care for someone... make sure they know it. Don't let it be publicly declared when that person, who you love dearly, can no longer hear your words.

thoughts

#1- I put my apartment on KSL for a day and booked 20 appointments. Wow! So far I have it narrowed down to 5, but goodness... It's really hard to decide. Really hard. Lot's of great people.

#2- I went on a date today and it was actually really fun. Good guy. I hope to get to know him better.

#3- Here's a picture to look at because honestly, I have nothing to talk about today.

love

The more I shoot with film, the more frustrated I am with digital. It just doesn't produce what I want it to. Conclusion- I'm shooting more film.

I'm currently scanning film from a good friend's wedding that I helped shoot. (Which is why I mentioned the film thing.) But this couple.... this couple is that couple. The couple that everyone dreams of, so loving, so caring, so willing to serve each other. They inspire me really. I want to be the kind of person that has that type of cherished relationship because it's who I am... it's how I act and is a result of my very character. They make me want to be a better person so that I can have that kind of sacred love.
Confession. I think about it all the time. Falling in love and having a healthy, joyous and giving relationship. Being with someone that inspires me to be better, work harder and love more. Finding that person that makes me want nothing else but to be with them forever and call them mine.
Life is lonely when you don't have a companion to hold. Especially when you know what it's like and don't have it anymore........... okay, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just hopeful and longing for the day when it's my turn to fall in love again.
Because who doesn't want that?
And I'm a romantic.
And a girl.
And I think about that kind of stuff. So don't judge me.

I shot this image on the way to my friend's wedding. It's cross processed Kodak Gold shot in a modified Holga. I'm pretty satisfied with it. Mainly because it's switching things up for me, it's something different and it's exciting. And with the lack of love in my life (as suggested above), exciting is a very welcomed thing.

choices

I'm currently going through a photographer identity crisis. What does that mean you ask?
It means that I feel like anything I have to say through visual medium is a waste of time/junk/worse than a b.s.-ed Jr. High book report.
...
It's not a good feeling.
...
I'm also holding the work I'm producing to such a high standard that, as my professor would say, I'm strangling the baby before it has a chance to grow up.
This is also a problem.
Maybe I'll just be a phlebotomist. Or a truck driver. Or a telemarketer....... Or a circus clown.

On another note, someone is interested in my Marley love. I'm crossing my fingers that it works out. Why? Because said person was the head animal trainer for a good, long list of blockbuster films and has a whole lotta experience working with dogs. That's everything I want for my little girl, someone who will take care of her better than I can. And said person could definitely do that.
So we'll see.

Anyways, here's a self portrait. It's a new project I'm working on, these self portraits. Here is number 1. I call it number 1. For now.



D&C 50:24 "...he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."

missions

Side note: I have a south facing home.
In other words, I never have to shovel my driveway. After waking up to a foot of snow this morning, this is a glorious thing.

If you haven't heard yet (which I'm sure you have) my sister is serving an LDS mission. She turned 19 in July so yes, this is all very sudden to say the least. She got her mission call on Wednesday and it was an emotional night for me. I'm so intensely excited/happy/proud for/of her and all of the above. This is an amazing opportunity for her. She gets to be a part of the valiant army that's going out into the world sharing the gospel with all who will hear. I get emotional just thinking about it. It was my dream to serve a mission, I'm so happy it's Jessy that gets to do it first in our family.

It took her a while to actually open her call, as the pictures show so well. And where is she going?
*drum roll*
........
........
........
Tampa Florida! Spanish speaking! Ah! My baby sister is going to be a spanish speaker, crazy huh? And those of you that know me know that a good handful of people that I have cared about served in Tampa Florida, how fitting that my lovely, little sister should serve there as well. Clearly she's being sent there for a reason, I'm so looking forward to seeing what those reasons are.

Here is a timeline of photographs of my sister opening her call (keep in mind that I was shooting at waist level so I could watch her with my eyes and not my lens and so some of them are weird). You can fill in the dialogue, it's pretty funny. I think my favorite photo is the last one when she read that she was going Spanish speaking, hahaha, I can't get enough of it! So funny!



Oh sister, how I love you.

the creative mind

elder holland

I love Elder Holland. His talks are always so profound, so powerful. While I was at BYU, he came and gave a devotional that I lucky enough to attend. I completely forgot about it until a friend of mine put it on in his car while we were driving to the Manti temple for a wedding. I would highly recommend reading it, it's an incredible talk. Here's a link for those interested.

"So, as a new year starts and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

"At this point, let me pause and add a lesson that applies both in your own life and also in the lives of others. There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist."

-Jeffery R. Holland "Remember Lot's Wife" 2009

shooting film

I have always preferred the look of film over digital. And I have always wanted to shoot wedding photography with film but it has always terrified me, so I let the coward in me win and my digital camera got all the love.
Well, a good friend of mine got married on Friday and I (along with some other photo friends) shot his wedding. Since there were other photographers shooting, there wasn't as much pressure to deliver a complete product so I thought, hey, why not? and I shot it all in film.
Let's just say that I have never been so satisfied with a wedding I've shot. The "look" that I've always been striving for with digital photography finally surfaced itself when I pushed myself to pick up the film camera.
I am so happy. I want to shoot film always.

light

"Light glorifies everything. It transforms and ennobles the most commonplace and ordinary subjects. The object is nothing, light is everything." 

-Leonard Misonne

basement apartment available

Hey ya'll, my renters are moving out and I'd oh so love to have someone move in by November. If you're interested, shoot me a text or email, my info is on my facebook page or leave a comment below. I also just lowered the rent fyi.

Here are the details...

2 Bedrooms
1 Bath
Washer/Dryer included
Roughly 900 sq ft of living space (storage space not included in square footage)
Storage areas
Parking spot under car port and on road
New windows/blinds within last 5 years
New kitchen flooring
New carpet in bedroom areas
Fireplace
Wireless internet
Utilities included
$715 a month

Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like to check the place out. Unfortunately I only have one picture, it's of the kitchen, I'd take more but there are still people living there :)

Forgot to mention! I ask for a 6 month contract and a $200 deposit and then after that it's month to month. It's located in Orem by Costco and University Mall.

salt prints

I have been loving alternative photography processes lately. I've been spending a lot of my own time getting processes exact by using a lot of testing, experimenting and equipment. I've spent about 7 hours so far getting my salt print process perfected. It's been frustrating... but I think I finally got it and I'm incredibly excited about it! Right now it's in the wash so I can't see if it's perfect or not, but I'm crossing my fingers. I'll put up some pictures of the processes I've done so far when I have a few more under my belt :)

plans

I really like to have plans. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always had a plan for my future. Don't get me wrong, I don't cry if the plan doesn't end up going through, but I hate the feeling of ... wandering... with no direction. And so I plan.
But despite my hate towards plan-less-ness, ever since I've gotten divorced, I have had no/zero/zip idea of what I'm doing with my life. I was planning on graduating, having babies, raising a family, yada yada yada. When that option was completely taken away from me, I was lost and I have been lost ever since. It's kind of been driving me crazy. Okay, it's really been driving me crazy.

A light broke through the clouds yesterday.
What is that light you ask?
Grad school.
I have no idea if that's the actual direction I'm going to go, it may never happen, it may be a completely impractical idea and once I'm done being ridiculous I'll move on to better things, it may a thought that's only entertaining for a few days.... but the idea of grad school will not leave my mind. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time which makes me want to do it even more. Not to mention the fact that ever since I can remember I've wanted a masters degree. And really the only reason I'd get it is to teach... and teaching would be quite delightful.
I dunno though... we'll see. I'm like a ping pong ball right now, I'll probably have a new plan tomorrow.

For the time being, read this article. I almost fell out of my chair laughing with tears streaming down my face.
Seriously.

modesty

This is a fantastic article about modesty for women. If you've got a second, check it out, it's definitely worth your time.
I especially liked this part...

"...when we fixate on the inches showing we are missing the point.  When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing. We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions."

This is something that always bothered me when I was younger when my youth leaders were teaching me about modesty. It was always about how if we dressed immodestly, boys would have inappropriate thoughts. I hated that. It's not my responsibility what boys/men are thinking and it made my feel like my body was a shameful thing that would induce sin if seen and should be kept hidden. That's not the case at all and I feel that aspect of discussion is completely missing the point, purpose and importance of modesty. We need to teach our tender, young girls differently and help them to really understand that they are more than just objectified bodies and that modesty is about respect and love for self.

next step

I hate limbo.

My life is in turmoil waiting for the next step to happen.... because it's not happening.
I'm a doer. When I decide I'm going to do something, I want to do it as soon as possible. None of this waiting around nonsense. This last year has been full of waiting and I still have months, if not another year of waiting...
... and waiting...
and waiting for that next step.

I'm getting antsy.

Good thing I'm so stupid busy because otherwise I'd be in trouble. Speaking of which, if you don't hear from me until December after finals (other than my blog which I update when work is slow), my apologies. I don't hate you nor am I purposefully trying to ignore you... I'm just working 2 jobs; going to school full time; trying to be a landlord, a home owner, a dog owner and a relief society president and somehow manage to get a full night of sleep.

Hmmm... that last paragraph sounds snobbish.
I'm not trying to be snobbish, pinky promise.
But seriously.

On another note,
I'm craving fries and a frosty like mad.

love

Let no one doubt that these two dogs are the loves of my life.
I didn't have anyone when my marriage started falling apart, but I had my dogs. They helped me get through the hard days.
No matter what happens, they love me and wait for me at the window to come home.
They make coming home every day worth it.

film

There is definitely a difference between the look of film and the look of digital.

I love the look of film.
I love shooting with film cameras.
I love polaroids.

I want to do more of these things.

This is my public declaration that I'm going to push myself and shoot more film.
[This is the end of my public declaration.]

neverland

I was invited to a Neverland party over the weekend. Enchanting and magical just doesn't describe it adequately.

We all were asked to dressed up as a Neverland character, I chose an Indian. To get to the party, you had to drive to this 11 acre plot of forest by the lake. You drive onto the property through a dirt road and follow the balloons to the entrance. At the entrance are hanging sheets that open up to a pathway. The pathway is covered by branches of the most interesting trees that I've ever seen, it's almost like the branches were protective arms over the pathway to Neverland.

As you walk through the forest, you hear music in the distance as you get closer to the gathering spot. Once you arrive, you see the long table set up in the middle of a small clearing and lights strung across the branches. There are candles placed and lit all over the table with interesting items placed around the clearing like globes and books and musical instruments. You can smell food not too far away. 

Everyone gathers for dinner and someone starts to play their navajo flute as we eat. The music mixed with the breeze in the branches and the trees looking down created a mood that I just can't describe. The food is delicious, stew with a citrus fruit cider and biscuits. Someone joins in with the flute and starts playing their harp. It's dark now and there is a feeling of reverent mystery in our little gathering spot.

A white sheet is hung from the trees and as we all get comfortable with blankets and pillows, a silent film of Peter Pan is played through a projector. I never realized how much I love silent films. 

And then the night ended. It was sad to see it end, it was a lovely evening with good friends and the perfect getaway from reality.

Here are some phone pictures I took from this event. I didn't get too many photos but I hope you enjoy :)

les miserables

I grew up listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack on road trips with my family. It was that and country music. And so ever since I was young, Les Mis has always had a special place in my heart.
My senior year of high school the theater department performed Les Mis and did a spectacular job. Seriously. I was honestly impressed. And then I was fortunate enough to be able to see Les Mis in London, it was beautiful and memorable and I can't even tell you how much it made my heart happy.
And now, they're coming out with a movie... and not just any movie, it is going to be incredible. I am thrilled.
Absolutely thrilled.

to say or not to say... the dreaded topic of divorce.

***UPDATED*** I forgot my favorite one and added a #13 :)

I recently read a friend's blog post about the awkward things people say about her being single and it inspired me to write this post....

What to and what not to say to someone getting divorced.

Obviously, everyone is different and everyone has their own unique experiences and I can't say that I know how everyone feels and how everyone wants to be treated. So this blog post is very much from my own perspective even though I'm going to try and make it as general as possible. I also am not writing this post out of spite. I realize that not everyone has been divorced and not everyone knows what to say. This is to inform the uninformed, not make anyone feel bad.

What NOT to say.

(In no particular order)
#1: "I never really liked them in the first place." or "I don't know what you ever saw in them."
This probably was the one the really pushed my buttons the most. It was like a slap in the face during an already incredibly difficult time. At one point in my life, I thought this person was going to be my forever and always, I planned and dedicated my life to them and loved them with every ounce of myself. When you say that you never liked them or don't know what I ever saw in them, it makes me feel like you're questioning my judgement in choosing a spouse (which is something I'm probably already questioning in the first place). And not to mention it's just rude.

#2: "I saw it coming a while ago."
I never actually got this one (thank goodness, heads would have rolled), who knows if anyone was actually thinking it. It's very much like #1 above. Thank you for having faith in me and my marriage that I was planning on lasting a life time and beyond (that was sarcastic, I'm not really thankful). Again, the last thing I need during a divorce is for you to make me feel like you're questioning my judgement or that you knew better.

#3: "I know someone who's divorced, too. I should set you guys up!"
I appreciate your thoughtfulness in wanting to make me happy ... or whatever. But you might as well say that you also know a brunette and because I'm brunette, you should set us up as well. Everyone is different and each divorce is a unique experience, just because we're both divorced does not mean we're going to have anything at all in common. And besides, I do not want my divorce to define me and how people treat me. If you want to set me up, set me up because you feel that person is wonderful for me and that we would get along great or anything else besides the fact that we have something tragic in common.

#4: "At least you don't have kids!"
I got and still get this one a lot. Yes, it makes the technicalities of my divorce easier because there are no children involved but whenever people tell me this, I have two thoughts.... first- it makes me feel like you're minimizing my experience. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean that my divorce was any less difficult than someone who does have kids. Having children says nothing about the relationship between the couple and how heartbreaking cutting ties is for the two getting divorced. My second thought- for all you know, we might have been trying to have kids for a long time. I might have cried myself to sleep at night because despite our months of trying, I still wasn't pregnant. I might still want to have children but now that option isn't available to me because I'm now getting divorced. Be sensitive, you don't always know the whole story.

#5: "How long were you married?" I respond and you discover is was a relatively short time period - "Well, at least is wasn't very long."
Again, like #4, you're minimizing my experience when you say something like that. Am I supposed to not be crushed because I wasn't married for 20 years? Is it supposed to only be a little bit of heartache because in your eyes, it wasn't a very long marriage? All of my hopes and dreams have been killed, it doesn't matter that I wasn't married for a decade.

#6: Comparing your breakup with your girl/boyfriend to my divorce.
As much as this one irritated me, it also amused me that people could be so naive. Breakups are hard, sure. But divorce is a completely different ball game. If you've never been married, I kind of doubt you can truly understand so please don't compare... 'nough said.

#7: Be careful about how you talk about other people's divorce or divorce in general in front of me.
If you talk about someone getting divorced or divorce in general in a negative light in front of me, I'm probably going to think you feel the same about me. And that never feels good... Being judgmental towards divorce or others getting divorced only casts the same judgement on my divorce even if you aren't saying it directly to my face. Also, saying things like "I give them 3 months" about a couple just getting married is terrible. If you ever say it, stop what you're doing and slap yourself in the face. Divorce is a terrible thing. You should never wish it or predict it upon anyone especially in front of someone who's divorced or going through a divorce.

#8: "I don't believe in divorce." or "You can always work it out if you try hard enough."
I believe these two comments are made from the naive mind, I even used to say them myself. Until I realized that everyone has their agency and no matter how hard I tried, my husband still left me and I still had to go through a divorce. Just because I'm working as hard as I can on my marriage, does not mean that my spouse is and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about his choices. There are some relationships that are beyond repair, you don't know the whole story so just be wise and avoid these comments entirely.

#9: Don't talk about how much you hate my soon-to-be ex or how they're the scum of the earth, blah blah blah...
Yes, I'm going through a divorce and yes, I probably have a lot of unpleasant feelings towards my spouse... but that doesn't mean I don't still love them. It's not like I have a switch in my heart that's going to shut off all of the very strong feelings I have for my husband just because we both signed a piece of paper. Just keep your feelings to yourself and if I need to vent, listen, but don't join in.

#10: Don't expect me to open up to you and cry on your shoulder. 
I got this one all the time. Someone would find out I got divorced and expect me to open up, bear my soul to them, cry on their shoulder and then share tea and biscuits because we must be such close friends now! Okay, that was a little harsh... but the idea is the same. Divorce is painful. There were very, very few people that I entrusted my true feelings to. It's hard to talk about, so please don't expect me to open up to you. I appreciate your concern, but it's better if you just express your sympathies and move on with the conversation.

#11: Don't be tackless and dig for details over a facebook message, etc... just because you're curious about what happened.
This one made me feel like people were just wanting the latest juice and not that they cared about me or my well being at all. If I don't talk to you in person or we aren't even really friends, why in the world would I tell you my most sensitive details just because you "want to know what happened"? I'm very open about my divorce (clearly, I talk about it all the time on my public blog) but if you want to know what happened in detail, at least have the tack to ask me in person and be heartfelt about it. Disclaimer- I have had people email me about my divorce because they sincerely wanted to know what happened and usually it's because they're going through the same. This I do not mind one bit. I love that people feel that they can talk to me about something so personal and I appreciate their trust. I am very willing to talk about it if you're not just trying to be up on the newest gossip.

#12: "You'll find someone better."
It's sad that it didn't work out with us but that doesn't mean that they weren't a good person. Yes, I'm going to find someone different, but that doesn't mean they'll be "better" because who's to say my ex wasn't wonderful for me in the beginning anyways?

#13: "Hopefully your next choice will be the right one."
Ouch.
I take back what I said about #1 being the one that pushes my buttons the most, this one definitely take the trophy.
I'll keep it brief....
Who's to say I didn't make the right choice? Like I mentioned before, everyone makes their own decisions and has their own agency. He changed, there's nothing I could do about it. That doesn't mean I didn't make the "right choice" in choosing to marry my spouse. And that kind of comment is quite the burn towards me as an individual and my decision making. How was I supposed to know that it wasn't going to work? How was I supposed to know that he was going to change and leave me? No one knows that including me.
That's all I'm going to say before I get on my soapbox. Moral of the story. Don't ever say that. If it's a bad day for the person, they might start bustin' heads (yours included).

Okay, now that you have been informed on my personal opinion of what not to say, let's talk about things that are good to say.

What TO say.

#1: Follow my lead.
If I want to talk about it, I'll talk about it. But don't push the subject. If I'm clearly staying silent about it then you should do the same.

#2: Express sympathy.
It's always good to at least acknowledge what I'm going through with a "I'm sorry about your divorce, I hope you're doing okay" type of comment. It's not a good thing to avoid the topic entirely. I was hanging out with a guy for a few weeks a couple months after my divorce and he never brought it up once. He obviously knew about it and it made me feel like it was a disease that was to be avoided. It was super awkward when it did come up and he tried to avoid it. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but at least acknowledge you know it exists.

#3: It's okay to stay silent.
If you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Sometimes a good listening ear is everything that I need. Don't feel pressure to say something profound that's going to change my perspective on life. Do acknowledge me and what I'm saying, but don't feel the need to give advice or say anything meaningful about my new life change.

#4: Offer support.
You can never go wrong by telling me that I can turn to you if I need anything (well, unless you don't mean it). I probably will never call you up at midnight for a late night cry with chocolate and ice cream, but it's good to know that you support me and that you're there for me.

Like I mentioned before, this post is from my own personal experience and not everyone can relate to it. But when it comes down to it, just be sensitive to what the person is going through. You never know the whole story so don't assume and make judgements. Just love them, that's all they really need from you, as much love as possible.

restart button

I went trail running up Big Springs with Guy yesterday. I about died, I think I've been running maybe twice this summer. But wow, it is absolutely beautiful up there right now. Because there's so much water, the changing fall leaves are brilliant and colorful and it made the run up amazing. Once we got to the top, I sat down on one of the bridges over a stream and laid down... the warm sun, the sound of the breeze catching the leaves, the trickling stream underneath me, the smell of fall in the air... it was heaven. It was like pressing a restart button on my spirit.
I love being outdoors, it puts my heart at ease.


This phone pic does not do it justice... at all.

self portrait

After my sister helped me shoot this image, I let my dogs off their leashes so they could run free and chase the birds.
Ha!
I think it was probably the best day of their lives. It took quite some time to wash all the nasty lake mud off of them so it probably wasn't my best day, but it was still fun to see them chase the birds out into the lake. And my poor sister got stuck in the mud, I about died laughing haha :)

never ever ever ever ever... ever....

This blog post is about nothing. I'm typing it up at work because if I don't do something, I will fall asleep on my face. So onward to random thoughts and today my thoughts are about Taylor Swift.

Let's be honest, this song is kind of annoying....
.... but I can't get enough of it.
Fast forward to 1:50. Are you having the same reaction that I did? Because I watched it over and over again at work last night and laughed myself off my chair.



Hahahahahahahaha! ... I just watched it again...

Speaking of Taylor, the photo from her new album Red is fantastic. I really like it a lot. It makes me smile even more because the photography for country music tends to be kind of gross and bland (in my opinion at least).

Doesn't photo look just lovely? I especially like the coloration and the whole fifties throw back that Taylor is doing right now. I love the fifties style, it speaks to my heart. I kind of want all of her outfits in the music video above. Hmmm.... maybe my sewing machine needs a little more love.

goodbye guy

It's been a great last few weeks/months, but alas, it had to come to an end.
He's ready for the "next step" and I am not so we're parting ways and wishing each other well.

This excerpt from Eat Pray Love reminded me of him...

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave."

I really am very happy I got to be so close to him for the short amount of time we had. I've been making much needed changes in my life because he brought them to my attention. My life is finally going in the direction that I've been wanting it to and I don't think it could've happened without his help.

Oh but it's still a shame, I'm sad to see this relationship end.

my words are not needed

"The Prophet Joseph Smith often referred to the feelings that should exist between husbands and wives, that they, his wives, should be his bosom companions, the nearest and dearest objects on earth in every sense of the word. He said men should beware how they treat their wives, that they were given them for a holy purpose, that the myriads of spirits waiting for tabernacles might have pure and healthy bodies. He also said many would awake on the morning of the resurrection sadly disappointed; for they, by transgression, would have neither wives nor children, for they surely would be taken from them and given to those who should prove themselves worthy. Again he said, a woman would have her choice; this was a privilege that could not be denied her."
- Lucy Walker Kimball, They Knew The Prophet page 139-40

"I don't think the Temple ordinance guarantees that [we] will be together forever. There will be a time before that sealing of the Holy Spirit of Promise makes it eternal, where we will be in the presence of the Savior, as individuals, and there will be a choice whether we continue with the sealing or not. I want to do everything in my power to qualify so that [my wife, Jeanene] will choose that sealing to be eternal."
- Excerpt of an interview with Elder Richard G. Scott by Sheri L. Dew

thoughts

#1- Getting and recognizing answers to prayers has never really been a huge problem for me, I learned when I was younger to recognize the spirit and it's something that I've been very grateful for. But lately, I haven't been able to tell if reactions to situations have been my own fears and anxiety or if it's been the spirit telling me no, don't do this. It's been frustrating to say the least. Especially since these are big decisions that I'm making, some that if I choose wrong... I could potentially regret for a very, very long time.

#2- I have really good style, I just don't have the money to prove it.

#3- Yesterday I went hiking with the parents, Guy and another friend, Marko. We hiked up to Baldy (the smaller mountain in front of Timpanogos that looks like a volcano... or at least that's what I thought when I was a kid). It was super fun! And crazy exhausting... mainly because when we got to the top, Guy realized that we only had about an hour to get down to make it to dinner with his family who was in town... so in order to make it to dinner with them, we ran down the mountain. As in literally ran down the whole mountain. I thought my right knee was going to for sure blow out and I would never be able to walk again. I woke up this morning and thought the same thing. And my body now hates me and doesn't want to walk ever again. Poor thing. What a trooper my body is puttin' up with running down a mountain just to catch some BBQ. 

#4- My birthday was Sunday. It was just a normal day, no big deal really. The highlights of my day were: waking up to a 5 page long text from Clark that only said HHHHAAAAPPPPYYY BBBIIIRRRTTTHHHDDDAAAYYY!!!! ... but it was a lot longer, my singles ward singing happy birthday to me at Break the Fast, getting a voicemail from Vanessa (this was a bittersweet thing... bitter because I was mad I missed her call... sweet because I was so happy she called me), and Steve and Ginelle bringing me 24 cookies for my 24th birthday (that made me so happy, it was the sweetest thing that had happened to me all day!).

#5- Dexter and Marley, my poochies, are the loves of my life. They are so happy to see me come home and will stay by my side always. My favorite thing ever? Dog hugs. I love them. Dexter will just rest his head on my shoulder and I'll give him a great big hug. It's the sweetest thing ever.

btw

I'm pretty proud of the new blog header I designed, I quite like it :)

"ruin is a gift. ruin is the road to transformation."

I don't know what the deal has been, but these past few days have been, well... my own personal hell. All the heartache I felt during my divorce is coming right back to laugh in my face. It's been frustrating, I thought I was making great progress. But for some reason, I got trapped back in that whirlpool of heartache and despair. And I haven't felt any hope, there has been no light at the end of the tunnel. Until this morning when I was reading my scriptures at work and came across the scripture Alma 32:27 "...even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe..."And oh how I desired to believe that I could be happy again and be truly free from the pain of my divorce.
I felt peace after that. I'm still not 100% okay, but my heart is at peace and that peace is bringing belief that I will find complete healing.

I've been reading the book Eat, Pray, Love lately. It's great so far, I can't believe I've never read it. I feel it's a fitting time in my life to read it considering it's about a woman trying to find wholeness and happiness after a divorce. There's a quote that I especially liked from the book:

"...and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankels of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt-this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight."

So that is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm putting myself through emotional surgery and cutting out everything that is affecting my happiness, I'm focusing on my own personal healing and I'm grabbing the ankles of any glimmer of hope I have and not letting go.
But I know that no matter what I do, only the Lord can bring true healing.
Oh what a blessing the Atonement is.

ha!

This made me laugh pretty hard :)

life

Vaguebooking: 1. An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help. 2. An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to "Hide" future updates by the perpetrator. 3. Intentional or unintentional vague or ambiguous facebook status message, which people have no clue as to what the heck you are talking about. Also included is posting fragmented song lyrics without stating the artist.

Well kids, I'm not vaguebooking right now... but I am about to vagueblog you.

One thing that I really like about dating Guy is that he has the ability to bring to light things about myself or my life that I didn't (or wouldn't) see before. There have been some very enlightening experiences with him. One of which was last night. It was very difficult to hear what he was saying because I knew it was truth and I didn't want to accept it. So I'm going to go to the temple and pray and pray and pray about what my next step should be in life... one thing that my dad would tell me when I was younger (but I didn't quite understand until just these last few years) is that it's easy to be obedient, what's difficult is knowing what the Lord wants you to do. Because golly...
...I have no idea what to do.
But, I'll let you know once I figure it out ;)

On a happier note, enjoy this amazing photo by Dan Mountford. I adore it.