I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
Especially people in the news who have died from unfortunate accidents, horrific crimes or sad acts of suicide.
I feel that the majority of the time the person who died was "beloved", "adored", "nice and liked by everyone", "always happy" and "their smile would brighten anyones day". I've noticed that when people in my life have died, all of sudden they were everyone's best friend. They were the "nicest person in school" and "made everyone feel like they had a friend".
Now, please don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I'm not doubting that these claims are true. What I'm trying to say is... if that's how people really felt about the individual who passed, did they actually express it while the person was alive? If you were to talk to the deceased person, would they agree with everything that was said about them? Especially when it came to close friendships?
I remember when Michael Whittle died my senior year. It was horrible and heartbreaking that it had happened. But what bothered me was when I heard people claiming to be such good friends... even best friends... with him when I had never before seen them with Michael. I'd never seen them hang out with him in school, talk to him in the hallways, mention him in class. Nothing. And yet here they were, claiming to be his best friend.

I'm not trying to call out hypocrisy (even though the insincere who use the passing of another as means to gain attention is on the top of my list of how to be a horrible human being), all that I'm saying is that if you love someone, if you care for someone... make sure they know it. Don't let it be publicly declared when that person, who you love dearly, can no longer hear your words.



#1- I put my apartment on KSL for a day and booked 20 appointments. Wow! So far I have it narrowed down to 5, but goodness... It's really hard to decide. Really hard. Lot's of great people.

#2- I went on a date today and it was actually really fun. Good guy. I hope to get to know him better.

#3- Here's a picture to look at because honestly, I have nothing to talk about today.



The more I shoot with film, the more frustrated I am with digital. It just doesn't produce what I want it to. Conclusion- I'm shooting more film.

I'm currently scanning film from a good friend's wedding that I helped shoot. (Which is why I mentioned the film thing.) But this couple.... this couple is that couple. The couple that everyone dreams of, so loving, so caring, so willing to serve each other. They inspire me really. I want to be the kind of person that has that type of cherished relationship because it's who I am... it's how I act and is a result of my very character. They make me want to be a better person so that I can have that kind of sacred love.
Confession. I think about it all the time. Falling in love and having a healthy, joyous and giving relationship. Being with someone that inspires me to be better, work harder and love more. Finding that person that makes me want nothing else but to be with them forever and call them mine.
Life is lonely when you don't have a companion to hold. Especially when you know what it's like and don't have it anymore........... okay, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just hopeful and longing for the day when it's my turn to fall in love again.
Because who doesn't want that?
And I'm a romantic.
And a girl.
And I think about that kind of stuff. So don't judge me.

I shot this image on the way to my friend's wedding. It's cross processed Kodak Gold shot in a modified Holga. I'm pretty satisfied with it. Mainly because it's switching things up for me, it's something different and it's exciting. And with the lack of love in my life (as suggested above), exciting is a very welcomed thing.



I'm currently going through a photographer identity crisis. What does that mean you ask?
It means that I feel like anything I have to say through visual medium is a waste of time/junk/worse than a b.s.-ed Jr. High book report.
It's not a good feeling.
I'm also holding the work I'm producing to such a high standard that, as my professor would say, I'm strangling the baby before it has a chance to grow up.
This is also a problem.
Maybe I'll just be a phlebotomist. Or a truck driver. Or a telemarketer....... Or a circus clown.

On another note, someone is interested in my Marley love. I'm crossing my fingers that it works out. Why? Because said person was the head animal trainer for a good, long list of blockbuster films and has a whole lotta experience working with dogs. That's everything I want for my little girl, someone who will take care of her better than I can. And said person could definitely do that.
So we'll see.

Anyways, here's a self portrait. It's a new project I'm working on, these self portraits. Here is number 1. I call it number 1. For now.

D&C 50:24 "...he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."



Side note: I have a south facing home.
In other words, I never have to shovel my driveway. After waking up to a foot of snow this morning, this is a glorious thing.

If you haven't heard yet (which I'm sure you have) my sister is serving an LDS mission. She turned 19 in July so yes, this is all very sudden to say the least. She got her mission call on Wednesday and it was an emotional night for me. I'm so intensely excited/happy/proud for/of her and all of the above. This is an amazing opportunity for her. She gets to be a part of the valiant army that's going out into the world sharing the gospel with all who will hear. I get emotional just thinking about it. It was my dream to serve a mission, I'm so happy it's Jessy that gets to do it first in our family.

It took her a while to actually open her call, as the pictures show so well. And where is she going?
*drum roll*
Tampa Florida! Spanish speaking! Ah! My baby sister is going to be a spanish speaker, crazy huh? And those of you that know me know that a good handful of people that I have cared about served in Tampa Florida, how fitting that my lovely, little sister should serve there as well. Clearly she's being sent there for a reason, I'm so looking forward to seeing what those reasons are.

Here is a timeline of photographs of my sister opening her call (keep in mind that I was shooting at waist level so I could watch her with my eyes and not my lens and so some of them are weird). You can fill in the dialogue, it's pretty funny. I think my favorite photo is the last one when she read that she was going Spanish speaking, hahaha, I can't get enough of it! So funny!

Oh sister, how I love you.


elder holland

I love Elder Holland. His talks are always so profound, so powerful. While I was at BYU, he came and gave a devotional that I lucky enough to attend. I completely forgot about it until a friend of mine put it on in his car while we were driving to the Manti temple for a wedding. I would highly recommend reading it, it's an incredible talk. Here's a link for those interested.

"So, as a new year starts and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

"At this point, let me pause and add a lesson that applies both in your own life and also in the lives of others. There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist."

-Jeffery R. Holland "Remember Lot's Wife" 2009


shooting film

I have always preferred the look of film over digital. And I have always wanted to shoot wedding photography with film but it has always terrified me, so I let the coward in me win and my digital camera got all the love.
Well, a good friend of mine got married on Friday and I (along with some other photo friends) shot his wedding. Since there were other photographers shooting, there wasn't as much pressure to deliver a complete product so I thought, hey, why not? and I shot it all in film.
Let's just say that I have never been so satisfied with a wedding I've shot. The "look" that I've always been striving for with digital photography finally surfaced itself when I pushed myself to pick up the film camera.
I am so happy. I want to shoot film always.