shocking

So I woke up Wednesday, ran a lot of errands. Jordan asked me to go to lunch with him so that we could talk about stuff we had to finalize (insurance, etc...) and we both decided this divorce was dragging out forever and I asked him to call the court to see if there was anything at all that we could do to speed up the process. Then I went to class.
When I got out of class and turned on my phone, I had a text from Jordan asking to call him asap.
So I did.
And guess what he told me? That we've been divorced since August 24th and the court neglected to let us know.
Yup, that was a shocker! I mean, I've known this was going to happen and I wanted it to stop dragging on, but I wasn't expecting it until November 2nd and so to hear, "oh and by the way, you've been divorced for over a month" was kind of like being hit in the face with a brick. What am I supposed to feel about something like that? Sad my marriage is over? Happy the divorce is finally over? Relieved? Excited? Depressed? I dunno, but I felt them all at once and it was pretty overwhelming. But, for the record, I'm very glad this is all over. I mean, I'm single! Weird huh? I never thought I'd say that one again. It's exciting, I get to start a whole new life.
Some of you might be wondering, but wait, what happened to the 90 day waiting period? Well, I can't really answer that question because I have no idea. Apparently the Judge got signature happy and we slipped through the cracks. I just can't believe they didn't even let us know! It's pretty hilarious actually, thinking I was married when I wasn't.
Anyways, that's my story and now it's over :)

thoughts

I'm listening to pandora and our wedding song came up. I didn't cry. I didn't hurry and turn it off. I sat there and listened to the words and thought about the memories. They seem so far away and they weren't that long ago. The song makes me sad, but I'm not dying inside like I was before. All I can think about is where I was then and where I am now and how everything has changed so much. It reminds me of this song...

"Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger"

I do think I'm much stronger. I'm happy, really happy and I'm moving on. I'm so grateful that I was able to let go of this all, I can't imagine ever trying to heal from a divorce while holding onto so much bitterness.
I find it pretty funny when someone finds out that I'm in the middle of a divorce and they expect me to be a wreck and I'm not. They don't really know how to react to me, it's pretty great :P
Anyways, thank you to those who have been praying for me, it's helped me more than you know.

procrastinating homework

I've been playing a lot with studio lighting on my own time lately. Just so pretty, I can't get enough of it :P


On another note, I taught the dreaded marriage lesson to the Laurels in young womens yesterday. I say dreaded because when I was in young womens, I hated that lesson. I felt like it was the same old sugar coated junk every. single. time. So, I told them in the beginning that I was going to be straight with them and tell them how it is. And I think it went very well. Despite everything that's happened with me and my life, I'm actually very open about it all. It was good being able to be open with them and share my experience. All I can do is hope that the spirit made some sort of impact on them.
Our divorce date is coming up. About 5 weeks left now. I'm really looking forward to it, I'm in awkward limbo land right now and it's making it hard to completely move on.
Well, I'm going to go back to homework!

frustration...

... and this is how I get it all out, I destroy cars with my massive fists of steel!
Rarrrr!
Just kidding ;) he he

marley's tricks

Don't mind my sweats, I like to be comfortable when I'm lounging around the house :P

And it's kind of bad quality.. But anyways, if you lean back and hold up a treat, Marley will run up you to get it, super funny!

PS- Go cougars!

surreal

I want to apply to the UVU BFA of Photography program this semester so I'm working on jazzing up my portfolio. I shot for about 6 hours today and I had a fantastic time with it all. I did some great studio shots and had a blast with my new underwater photography toys. The only regret that I have is that I thought I had set my new camera to RAW but it was set to JPEG.... grr... so the quality is not what I would like it to be. Anyways, there's nothing that I can do about it now. Too bad summer is over, I was a little late getting this new set up hahaha.
This is one of my favorite images. I'm having a hard time deciding between the high key and the low key version. For now, I really like the moody low key version of this shot (I'll probably end up changing it later! :P ). But I think it made the whole experience worth it :)
 

An update on me, I'm still very happy. Even more so when I have a camera in my hands ;) Sometimes this whole experience feels surreal. It's almost as if I can't really remember what it was like to go home to Jordan and being married and happy in that life. I feel like it existed in another time and another place, it just feels distant. Which is odd because it really wasn't that long ago when this all started. I'm just ready to completely move on. It's hard having to wait so long for the divorce to go through because everyday still being tied to Jordan is just another day that I get to keep living in all of this mess.  But who am I to complain, anyone married in New York has to wait a year for a divorce, yuck!
Anyways, happy Sunday everyone.

nothin' much

So. The weekend was a bad one. But this week has been a good one. I'm back to my happy self, hurray hurray :)
......
I don't really have much to write about.
......
Yup. Not much.

I'm going to try to apply to the BFA program this semester which means the next couple weeks will be filled with lots of shooting.
AND I'm going to be doing some awesome water shoots tomorrow, so I'll show you some of those later because they're going to be rad. I hope hahaha.
Anyways, happy Friday ya'll!

"it's a brand new day, I know I'll be okay"

The past few days have been very difficult. I've been overall happy these past few weeks, but these past few days have been killer. All I want to do is stay in bed, listen to sad love songs and cry. It's a blessing I have responsibilities that I have to keep up with otherwise my life would completely fall apart. It's been so hard to see past all the dead ends that just keep popping up in every direction. I just have to remind myself that no matter how dark my life is right now, it's going to get better.

And just as I write this, our wedding song came up on pandora. And it's our wedding anniversary.... sigh....

I just feel like I keep getting beat down and beat down and beat down and I'm struggling to stay standing. But I'll press forward. I'll live life to the best of my ability and pray for the strength to keep living when I feel like I just can't anymore.
A friend in church asked me if I was getting divorced and I told them yes and then they told me that they had been divorced and for the first time I talked to someone who really understood how all of this felt. It was so refreshing. They talked about how the only way I'll get through it is if I rely on the Lord. I've heard that so many times but it was different hearing it from someone who's been down the same path that I'm on right now. Then they said something that was almost word for word from my patriarchal blessing and was also in theirs. It was something that confused me and had been frustrating and had also been confusing to them, but when they explained what it meant to them, it made sense to me. I felt better talking to them and I felt like I was going to be okay. It was a blessing for sure.

As my brother would say, "if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off." I guess I'm glad I'm not falling off the earth right now :)

_____________________________________

Want to see a funny music video that has kind of been my theme song these past couple months? :)
Everything just has to go wrong sometimes ha ha ha.... 

september 11th

For my documentary photography class, we were assigned to take portraits of individuals in the location they were at when they found out about the attack on the twin towers. I was taking a portrait of a friend of mine at Jordan High School because that's where he was at. Afterwards, he showed me the Sandy Healing Fields. I had never been before and it was incredibly moving. They had a flag for every person who was killed on 9/11 and along with the flags, they had a tag with a description of the individual who had died. I got chills looking down the sea of flags and some of the descriptions brought me to tears.
I was lucky enough to be there right as a special ceremony was starting. They had speakers and let off balloons, one for every person who died. And then unveiled a new memorial statue. There were firefighters and police officers from all over the state and hundreds of BACA riders. It really was a touching experience. I think the part that was the most special to me though, was when they brought up Nigel, he was the only fallen soldier that was mentioned.
I, like everyone else, remembers that day so vividly. It's humbling to see so many people who were so closely affected by 9-11 and how strong they are to press forward through it all. My prayers go out to them and all those who lost loved ones. God bless America.

good days and bad days

There are bad days and there are good days. Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days and this is a very good thing.

I love Mormon Messages, if you haven't watched them, you should. One that I love in particular is the one I posted below.
Move forward, trust in Heavenly Father's plan, live in hope and love and faith and never forget that the Savior loves you and He died for us so that we could move forward and live for the future. 

birthday flowers

Vanessa sent me some beautiful flowers for my birthday on Friday. I've never gotten flowers in a box in the mail, it was quite the exciting thing!
Thank you Vanessa dear, I love them!

angels

The first post is always the hardest. I feel the need to introduce my blog and its purpose or make some sort of statement. Especially since I'm pretty sure a good majority of you are reading this blog to figure out what the heck is going on.
I'm not going to write details about Jordan and me because frankly, its really nobody's business and I'm not out to make Jordan look bad. But yes, we are getting divorced. I did everything I could to save our marriage, but in the end, it was ultimately his choice.
It was extremely difficult at first, as it would be for anyone really, but I'm doing surprisingly well. I've come to terms with Jordan's decision and even though I don't agree with it and would rather it not have happened at all, I'm ready to move on. I'm not angry, upset or bitter with Jordan or life or anything really. I chose in the beginning that I forgave Jordan for all of this and still loved him despite his choices and that was the best thing I could have done for myself. The Lord has taken my burden for me and though it has been hard, it has been bearable and I've really been okay.
There have been so many countless people that have been so supportive and loving to me, I really have noticed and I appreciate it so much. I love this quote from Elder Holland...

"I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. '[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved' (Moroni 7:36). On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.
"May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord's promise as contained in one of President Monson's favorite scriptures: 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 84:88). In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and 'the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted' (D&C 90:24). Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God."
Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Ministry of Angels," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 31

There is a lot of love in my heart for the angels in my life. I wish I could say more than a mere thank you, so just know that even though its small, it comes from the bottom of my heart.