one year

I'm sitting here eating a spoon full of nutella, listening to country music and trying to figure out how I can best write this post.
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I just got another spoon full of nutella, there's no shame.
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This post is important to me. I'm not the best writer and unfortunately, I can't just take a picture of how I feel so I get to practice my words. I'm crossing my fingers something decent comes out.
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I find the Paralympics incredibly inspiring. These are people who don't pity themselves for their circumstances, they take what they have and make the best of it. Honestly, I admire Paralympians much more than Olympians, they have so much more to overcome.
Do any of you know who Elexis Gillette is? He's a Paralympic medalist and world record holder in the long jump. I found him particularly inspiring because he's completely blind. While I was reading about him, I tried to imagine what it would be like to long jump and not be able to see a thing. Every time I've experienced just being blind folded, I can barely walk at a normal pace let alone trust myself to long jump 22 feet (Elexis' world record).

"There are times when we have to step into the darkness in faith, confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do." -Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Elexis doesn't just step into the darkness in faith, he jumps... and he jumps far.

This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions and experiences that I have never had before. And the whole purpose of this post is to address one of those experiences that has changed everything for me. Yesterday was a big day for that because I have now been officially divorced for a year. This past year has witnessed the darkest and loneliest days that I have ever had... but it has also witnessed the most tender and beautiful moments. This past year has witnessed me lose my husband and other half, it has witnessed me lose and regain my self esteem, strengthen my testimony in the Lord and his Gospel and cry more tears than I knew existed. It has witnessed real smiles, fake smiles and sad smiles. It has witnessed so many tender mercies that were just what I needed to get through each day. It has witnessed love and compassion from caring friends and family. And most of all, this past year has witnessed me learn what it's like to trust that even though I was completely surrounded by darkness inside and out, the Lord would take care of me and I would step on solid ground.

I wish I could type out everything that I've learned and who I've become since the day that I found out Jordan didn't want to be married anymore. I still don't fully understand why I had that experience, but I do know that I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today without it and for that, I am grateful. I am grateful for the Gospel and the Atonement, I would never have survived with the same degree of healing that I've had without both. And I'm grateful to all the people who were angels to me in times of need. I have had so many experiences... Julie Kaye calling me up to give me a free haircut. My old religion professor writing me profound and encouraging emails. Honorable men in my life who are dear friends reminding me that there are still worthy priesthood holders who are good and decent. Shauna; my dear, sweet, tender hearted sister for being able to listen to me tell her about my divorce with no emotion just like I had asked her because it was exactly what I needed. Julianne being the one person who I felt I could talk to because she understood how I felt and she always said the right things. Ron for always being my second father and a solid foundation. Cameron, Jason, Ashley and Kaden, they will always be my siblings, their love to me is astounding and still touches my heart. Clark for all the personal and vulnerable talks and being an example of optimism and faith. Mike for being the friend I needed in the midst of my divorce. The funny, old man at the gas station for telling me that I deserved a good husband who would fill up my car for me. Whitney for her kind letter and flowers. Jake for talking to me and expressing his love and support because he had just been through the same. And my family for taking my dogs and me into their home. I will never forget the day I moved back to my parents, I collapsed on the floor in sobbing tears and was immediately held in a loving embrace by my mom, my brother and my sister. They have loved me through it all and I could never ask for a better family. These are just a few of the people that have touched my heart, thank you to all that I did not mention and thank you to all who have prayed for me and thought of me in this past year.

My steps were small and were by no means close to being jumps, but I can still bear testimony that the Lord placed beneath me solid ground. And despite that I am still finding healing, my heart and spirit are strong and I am a better person for what I have experienced. Even though this past year has witnessed incredible pain and heartache, it has also seen peace and happiness. Some of my happiest moments have come from serving other people and I am determined to make this next year a year of more peace and more happiness than I have ever experienced.

"To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellowmen. Service to others is akin to duty, the fulfillment of which brings true joy." -Pres. Thomas S. Monson